実家にいて何をすることもできず、考えていることと言えば「今この苦しい状況から解放されたい」ということばかりでした。休職も1年半を過ぎ、職を失うことも徐々に現実味を帯びてくる中で、もう生きていても仕方ないんじゃないかという思いが堂々巡りで襲ってきます。
現在日本では毎日約100人の人が自ら命を絶っています。人それぞれ理由はあるんでしょうけど、僕にとっての理由は「いつ終わるかわからない苦しみからもう逃げたい」だけでした。
ただ、なんと言いますか変に冷静な部分もありまして、人に迷惑をかけることはしたくなかったんです。だから駅のホームから通過電車に飛び込めば確実に死ねるだろうと思いつつ、電車のダイヤは乱れるし、電鉄会社から家族に損害賠償を求められたら困るだろうからやめて。高いビルからの飛び降りはちょうどそのとき通行人を巻き込んでしまう事件がニュースで報道されていて、それもやめ。
そういうときに夏目漱石の「こころ」を読みふけっていました。その時は追い詰められていて自殺することしか頭になかったんですね。
で、ある日。ついに自殺を決行しました。方法はそれまで処方されていた抗うつ剤や睡眠薬を泥酔状態で大量服薬することでした。どれだけ服用したのかはよくおぼえていませんが、２００錠以上は確実に服用したと思います。
今、僕がこうして書いているんですから、死ななかったんですけどね。気がついたのは病院の集中治療室のベッドの上でした。
よしおさん･･･ (´･ω･`)…
今の状態で、私の言葉が伝わるかどうか？
判りませんが･･･
Blogをざっと見てみましたが
よしおさんが今の病気に対して、明確な原因を「よしおさん自身で見つけていない」様に見えます。
私自身、この様に書き込むのは大変辛い事でありますが
よしおさんと関連を持っている「全ての人たちの為」にも、前を見て歩まれるように望んでおります。
コメントありがとうございます。
「自分自身で原因をわかっていない」とのご指摘、実はたいへん的確です。はっきりわかってはいません。
こんなことを書くと無責任かつ非常識のように思えますが、事実なので否定のしようがありません。ただ「是が非でも原因をはっきりさせないといけないか？」と言う問いがあるなら、僕はNoだと思います。
この世にはわからないことが山ほどありまして、無理にわかろうとしたりわかったつもりになるのは実は怖いことだと考えます。逃げているのではなく、僕は神様でも賢者でもなく、凡庸な人間なので、もうそれはどうしようもないのです。
ただそのどうしようもない中でも、自分の経験を綴ることは同じ病に苦しむ人にとってどうなのでしょう？僕自身は少なくても同じ過ちをしてほしくないという一心なのですが、もしかしたら害を与えるだけなのかもしれません。
そういうことも全部ひっくるめて、精神科医や著名人ではなく、一庶民である僕の経験を明かす。どのように受け止めてくださってもかまいません。
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Zune and iPod: Most people compare the Zune to the Touch, but after seeing how slim and surprisingly small and light it is, I consider it to be a rather unique hybrid that combines qualities of both the Touch and the Nano. It's very colorful and lovely OLED screen is slightly smaller than the touch screen, but the player itself feels quite a bit smaller and lighter. It weighs about 2/3 as much, and is noticeably smaller in width and height, while being just a hair thicker.
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The Zune concentrates on being a Portable Media Player. Not a web browser. Not a game machine. Maybe in the future it'll do even better in those areas, but for now it's a fantastic way to organize and listen to your music and videos, and is without peer in that regard. The iPod's strengths are its web browsing and apps. If those sound more compelling, perhaps it is your best choice.
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The new Zune browser is surprisingly good, but not as good as the iPod's. It works well, but isn't as fast as Safari, and has a clunkier interface. If you occasionally plan on using the web browser that's not an issue, but if you're planning to browse the web alot from your PMP then the iPod's larger screen and better browser may be important.
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Apple now has Rhapsody as an app, which is a great start, but it is currently hampered by the inability to store locally on your iPod, and has a dismal 64kbps bit rate. If this changes, then it will somewhat negate this advantage for the Zune, but the 10 songs per month will still be a big plus in Zune Pass' favor.
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